Confession!! I own my stuff. The choices I made were mine,

Confession!! I own my stuff. The choices I made were mine, even if other things were going on. I wanna be real about some things I've been through. I used to lie a lot about stuff, like telling my pastor and friends I was pregnant. I still hate that I did that. When I was little, my brother-in-law crossed a line and tried to do stuff with me. I was only in third grade, so I didn't get that it was wrong. I told my sister right after, but she didn’t believe me. Someone else also kinda pushed me to explore sex stuff when I was a kid, and I even did some things with younger cousins. Being the older one, it freaks me out now—it feels like I was abusive, too. Then, in sixth grade, this sketchy guy named Lee was around. He’d buy my friend gifts and expect stuff back. One time, my friend told me it was safe to go get something from his truck. He tried to get me to go for a ride, got handsy, and I ran. He came back later to apologize, and I just said okay to get away, but I was totally creeped out. Another time, he said my friend could drive his truck only if I gave him something. I said no. My friend then threatened to tell my family all my secrets if I didn’t do it. I was so scared of everyone finding out my past and being humiliated. But I still said no. Because of that, I paid for it. Looking back, my head was all messed up. I wish I had just run. But I didn't. I stayed, even when he touched me and did things to me. I just sat there, hating it, feeling disgusting and ashamed. I let it happen. I feel like that’s on me, a mistake I didn’t have to make. I still feel… stained. Like I ruined myself. I don’t know how to love someone right, and I’m scared of getting close. Every bad choice left a mark, and now I’m stuck with it. It’s like it’s eating me up a little more each day. I don’t know how to actually start over and be happy. I’ve told a couple of friends, and they’ve been cool about it. But I haven’t told the people I care about most. I know saying sorry won’t fix anything, but I hope maybe one day it could be a start. I just want to get all this secret crap out, deal with the shame, and finally heal. I want to live without all this weight. That’s all I really want.

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